Hey ya’ll.
This is not a typical post. This is a plea for help from a friend of mine. It’s relationship related, so I feel it’s okay to bring it up here!
My friend has a problem–a nasty break up has left her feeling heart-sick and she has texted the boy a few times to no avail. My first thought was “stop, you’ll look like me!” (see example: 
)
Too late, already there she says. At a certain point too many texts in a row start to pile up.
My suggestion to her was to write down the texts, think about it a day, and then determine if she really wants to send it. I also suggested deleting the number and restoring your phone so you can’t recover it. That worked for me once.
I feel her pain. I think texting is so tempting post-break up. Calling seems like a huge undertaking. I mean, there’s a 50% chance they might pick up the phone. Texting seems innocuous enough that you can send one or two without it being too extreme on the bad ex-girlfriend scale. (Trust me when I say that The Boyfriend will vouch that texting was the least of my problems on that scale. Eek). Texting, in my opinion, is prevalent in a break up where calling may not be.
Anyway, I need suggestions beyond my solutions. It seems silly but that’s the best I’ve got. I am absolutely no pro at abstaining from contact (I submit that previous screen shot as proof). I need your input here…what’s your suggestion?
I know many of you read but few of you comment. Be loud this time! Have you figured out the secret? Is there no way around it? Tell Brunette it’s not abnormal. Tell her there’s a solution.
Thanks ya’ll.
I am surely no expert and I am guilty of texting/emailing/pushing for answers post-breakup. I rarely back down and usually get the last word in (because he’s already over it and ignoring my contact). I suggest definitely erasing the number from the phone. Make it the most difficult thing possible to text him. Blogging helped me immensely when I felt like I needed to say something to him, which was a lot. Instead of contacting him, I wrote a series of “letters”. If she doesn’t blog, she should start! And if she doesn’t want to start, then just write them down or type them up in Word. Save them, delete them, set them of fire. BUT DO NOT SEND THEM TO HIM! Writing down my thoughts saved my sanity and pride when I felt like I had so much to still say to him. It also helped me to keep a running list of all the reasons he was not the one for me. When I started to wish we were back together, I’d refer to the list and be grateful that he’s now someone else’s problem.
The List thing is a good idea and will be most helpful. Thanks!
Breakups are so different for men and women, maybe if she saw it from a common male perspective it might help her. Making a couple requires both sides to change, sometimes alot. For men, many breakups happen because they look ahead and see the changes required for that particular coupling and decide it isn’t worth it. It is not that they do not care about the other person, it is just that they reach a point where they can clearly evaluate the pros and cons and cons are bigger.
The only way to unbreak from a guy’s side is to force a re-evaluation of the pros/cons. Texts thus might be useful if you think he made the wrong evaluation. Sending messages for any other reason is pointless. There are two types of relationship for a guy – short term and long term. In both cases, however, the ending is decided by the evaluation.
I dont know how women decide relationships, but this is how men do it. Ride the boat for awhile then evaluate pros/cons.
The thing is is that dude doesn’t have a common male perspective due to some.. shall we say issues? He’s different to say the least.
I dumped him because he liked another girl…. it was a nasty breakup, but I’m too good to be someone’s back burner girlfriend because the girl he loved didn’t love him back.
I just doubt that he ever really cared… he just wanted a significant other. :/
From one Brunette to another take my advice or atleast think about it… “Do Not Text, Call or Contact Him”… This works in two ways… one is that if he really doesn’t have feelings for you anymore you’ll end up looking like a needy, begging, irritating girl that he cannot wait to be rid of. The second is that if he has any feeling’s what-so-ever by you not contacting him he’ll wonder why… and you know that this drives both guys and girls crazy. I know how hard it is to love someone that doesn’t love you back. It makes you question everything about who you are and makes you feel inadequate. Please don’t do this to yourself… it truly is “his” loss. I’m coming out of an 18 year relationship with a man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I’m still trying to find my way through this quick sand and we have to be strong… and realistic. We need to keep our heads about us so that we can help each other through this down time in our lives… and I really do believe that this is just a hiccup in our lives. Better things are coming to you… Karma’s a real B****… she has a way of circling back around to those who have wronged us. Keep your head up and stay beautiful!
Let me tell you a secret about men: they never stop caring about a female. It is hardwired into the genes. That is why divorces and breakups can be so bitter – you can only hate what you care about. Gays happen because of errors in development. LIke planting a tree in a spot with a constant strong wind will result in a bent tree, even though genetically it is programmed to grow straight up. Once it is grown it cant be straightened so it may seem hardwired but it is just developmental.
I know this isnt true about women because they seem to care and not care at the drop of a hat, but for men it isnt the caring that is the problem it is the pros/cons judgement, when it happens, that determines the future from the guy’s side.
There are almost 7 billion people on this planet now, plenty of options for making couples. Just keep searching and keep yourself fluid and happy so that you can adapt easily for future relationships.
You had me until the “gays” part. What does that mean? Errors in development? Whaaaaaat?
xoxo The Blonde
It is still a tree. And you can always delete messages that dont fit with your world view, it is your board.
I’m just curious where it came from in this discussion, that’s all!
Was just explaining how guys work. Men and women are so different it is amazing they ever form couples or live together in peace. Of course they are equally deserving of respect, just completely different as far as drives, pressures, priorities, goals, genetics etc. Maybe if they understood each other better there would be more happiness in the world.
So we are not talking about homosexual individuals right?
I feel your pain. All of it. Lol Here’s what helps me cope with these things. Number one thing is you have to forgive yourself for texting him, you obviously have feelings for this guy and since when is it wrong to feel? So you texted him, laugh and cry about it till you get it out of your system (I laugh, my best friends cries, but we both do it because we find it hard to forgive ourselves and it helps us cope). The second thing is, and that’s for all of us ( I am talking to The Blonde, The Brunette, and myself) just looking at these texts it’s painful. To be ignored is way wayyyy worse than to be fighting with someone, and somebody who ignores you is not worth the pain. I know there’s some form of advise about not burning bridges, but to hell with that advise burning bridges helps me cope. and it’s after somebody becomes dead to me, and I start working on myself, getting my ego boosts and my confidence back that I am capable of forgiving them. If they text me (which I usually assume they never will) then I would respond normally. But never again would I initiate a text. They are no benefits to bruising my ego, and doubling my insecurities. I let it go.
PS: Don’t use the excuse in your own head “But I just want to be friends, I’m not asking for a relationship, I’m worried about him genuinely and I wanna see how he is” No. He’s not worried about you. He doesn’t want to be friends with you. What kind of friendship is that? (This is my number one reason why I would ever initiate a text).GET ANGRY. VERY ANGRY. It helps a whole lot.