I haven’t logged in to my FormSpring account in a while, so imagine my surprise when I noted that I actually had pending questions there. One of the first questions I noticed was something that I have had several hits for in Google searches this week. Since obviously you’re coming here for direction on this subject, poor person, let me tell you my thoughts…
Well hmm. First, let me just say that I am so sad to report that if you’re looking for someone with experience cheating, I’m your girl. I sincerely regret having an affair every single day of my existence for so many reasons. But maybe I can tell you the signs to look for so you can avoid my pitfall.
Of course, there are simple ways to know if it’s cheating. Maybe I’ll just list out some things you should ask yourself:
- Did you meet this person on a dating site? Stop laughing! You would be surprised how many people Google the phrase “my husband has an OKCupid account”. If you are on a dating site, whether your relationship status says “in a relationship” or not and you meet someone for coffee, you’re clearly checking out the scene. You could be cheating.
- Does your partner know? Have you explicitly said to your partner “I am meeting (this person) for coffee. I will be there at (this time) and will be home around (this time).” If you have, good for you. If you haven’t, you may be cheating. If you told them you’re meeting someone as a cover and are actually meeting someone else (whether you know the date or not, whether your partner knows the date or not!), you could be cheating. Also, just a side note, if you tell your partner you’re meeting ‘some people from work’ out for coffee and only the two of you show up.. and you knew that ahead of time.. guess what? You could be cheating. Trust me, in my experience nothing good ever came out of that situation. Sorry, He-Wh0-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Seriously, y’all, if you bend the truth about that meeting at all.. it’s not right.
- Did you ask the person because you feel like you are unsure if you want to cheat or not? Your partner probably isn’t going to buy this one, but I can say it’s a possibility. But still, you could be cheating. That’s like playing ‘Just the Tip’. In my book, it counts.
- What would you tell a third-party you saw out? Would you feel confident in an introduction? Would you hide behind a menu in a Chinese restaurant and try to sink into the floor and pray that your heartbeat pounding in your throat isn’t audible (not that I have done that..)? That makes a huge difference. If it’s coffee with a coworker and you’d still feel funny about it… you know the story.
These are just four questions that I ask myself when I’m assessing how I feel about meeting someone out. While there is no litmus test at all for “cheating” or measuring just how far is too far, I will say that my number one biggest red-flag is “Does it feel it wrong?” Does it feel like something you should hide, something you’d be sensitive about, something you wouldn’t tell your partner? If it does.. really, really think about your motivation for going. Think about how you’d feel if your partner found out. Whether its relief (uh that’s a huge hint) or shame (hello?!) whatever you find in that question could be a guide for the future. I’m not saying you shouldn’t meet that person for coffee. I’m just saying know what you’re getting in to. Maybe your coffee mate is something you want to pursue.
So think about it. And then call me because if it’s a toxic idea I’m almost always involved (sigh).
***DISCLAIMER: Every relationship is different, I am no expert, one woman’s accusation of cheating is another woman’s rosey-relationship, I’m not responsible for anything you do in your real life, don’t blame me, blah blah blah. I get it. This is just how I’d answer the question myself.
Here’s the fun part.. you get to tell me how wrong I am in the comments! Go!